Monthly Archives: January 2011

TOP TEN reasons to visit to Egypt.

1. No Snow.

2. FREE cable TV at all 5 star hotels.

3. Inexpensive (albeit slightly damaged) Egyptian relics at gift shops.

4. Religious freedom once one is chosen.

5. Nightly fireworks displays.

6. U.S. Government VISA give-aways.

7. No Snow.

8. Discounted tourism packages.

9. Get in on ground floor government design and implementation.

10. No snow.

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For guys only.

I’m rather proud of the fact that I have been smoke free for about a year. I quit cold-turkey last year on February 22nd. I feel GREAT about that, I really do, however, I have been placating my oral fixation with snacking a little too much… especially while watching TV. While my year without cigarettes is certainly a lifetime milestone… I have another that is far more earth-shattering and one that my female readers may not relate to and so I don’t encourage you to read on.

That being said, and continuing on my vein (poor choice of words) of trying to offend, embarrass and shock with an irreverent blog, on a Sunday no less, I’d like to share the fact that I can no longer SEE my d*ck.

Recently, while watching a Twilight Zone marathon and drinking a few too many glasses of wine, I had to go to the bathroom. I looked down at the toilet and realized with a shock that I could see directly INTO the toilet, but something was missing. I could no longer see my d*ck! Now mind you, I grew up with a wonderful figure, NEVER had to worry about my weight and ALWAYS had a pleasant visual relationship with my d*ck. But now, I was fumbling with a zipper, groping at my pants and TRYING desperately to locate my “thing” so I could take a basic pee (versus a complicated one).

Life is not fair, but I look at the bright side. I realized that while I would LOVE to lose a few pounds so that I could have “direct visual contact” again with my friend, but in the process I have discovered that I can actually look in the reflection of a large print framed in glass that I have hanging over the toilet and do my maneuvering THAT way. PERFECTION.

In summary, I apologize to those that have actually read THIS far either out of curiosity or just plain train wreck disgust, but as I get older I realize that… well… I can get away with saying just about anything because dammit, I earned that right and if you find this offensive then just change the channel… and have a nice day.

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The weight of silence.

My bathroom scale and I currently aren’t speaking.

We used to have a sort of one sided relationship. She would greet me in the morning, I’d strip, then I’d jump on top of her. She never really said anything that I enjoyed hearing. She just let me walk all over her. It got old.

She was pretty much a wallflower. I’d try to pull her out onto the floor, but she always ended up back in a corner. Silent, yet judgemental.

These days I’ll give her a quick cold glance as I brush my teeth, but we don’t speak.

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Dog poop is not sexy.

I’ve lived in a loft center city, I’ve lived in a rural historic village in the country, I’ve lived in a row home, and I’ve lived in a cookie-cutter development in the outskirts of suburbia. Throughout all of these residences, there has been man’s best friend the DOG. Either mine OR someone else’s.

Love ‘em. REALLY I do. Daryl and I don’t have one currently because we just don’t think it would be fair with our schedules to give it enough attention and time… and I personally don’t want to come home at the end of the day to take it outside. The cute and cuddly payoff just isn’t working for me at this phase of my life.

When you DON’T have a dog, you seem to notice a little more about OTHERS who DO. I actually don’t recognize individual people in our development if I don’t see them WITH their pooch. It’s like they’re a “couple.”

To tell you the truth, on mornings like this when it’s very cold and somewhat icy… I’m SO glad I don’t have to throw on a pair of sweats, a coat, hat, gloves, scarves, shoes and sunglasses so I can take the dog out to “do its business.” Granted, if you have a fenced-in yard, you’re gold. A daily or weekly shovel run and no one is the wiser. City and condo living, on the other hand, give new meaning to dog poop control.

How graceful is it to watch a 20-something woman, dressed to the hilt with 4 to 5 inch killer pumps, bending over with a clear bag no less, picking up a pile of shit? I know, I know… it’s daily living, and at least she IS picking it up unlike so many who “forget,” but I have yet to see ANYone look “cute” picking up after their pooch; and the fact that you have to carry the little  bag with you while chit chatting with the other dog owner neighbors is just not hot. Flipping the bag around in circles, flirting with the hunky guy with the Pit Bull who has an even larger bag of it tied around his waist.

Do I have a solution for this “pet peeve” of mine? Not really. Just remember the next time you’re bending over clawing at a fresh, steaming pile of crap that SOMEone is watching and SMH.  : )

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Eff this Weather!

I’m a little confused. Okay, I’m totally effing baffled!

I guess I’ve never really thought about it THAT much before, but WHY do some folks INSIST on NOT removing the snow from the top of their vehicles after a storm? Usually it’s not much of an issue in Chester County because, we usually just have to deal with the occasional snow “burst” or a full blown blizzard every five to ten years.

But for some reason, the winters from 2009 through 2011 seem to be FURTHER proof that Global Warming IS a fact and that the Ice Age Cometh OR as the college-educated, over-paid, under-knowledgeable, albeit pretty “Meteorologists” tell us, it’s just an EL NINA.

It’s not even the end of January this year and we seem to be breaking, or soon to be breaking, snowfall records for the year. Forecasts indicate that we are in for a very long, very snowy winter. That being said, we SHOULD have LOTS of practice at not only driving in it, but in cleaning it from our vehicles BEFORE we venture out into the street with the rest of the snow-freed public.

The other day, I’m driving down Route 202 south to work. Some “chick” in front of me loses an entire 7-inch thick IMPRESSION of her car (imagine an automobile ice sculpture) which flies like frickin’ Chitty Chitty Bang Bang right on top of my windshield! Luckily, the windshield held up and I didn’t need to swerve into another vehicle. Seriously?! Could she not THINK that the snow she NEGLECTED to remove would eventually hit someone? Sigh. I just don’t get it, but then she’s probably the type of person who drinks milk out of the container and leaves a swig of backwash for her roommate.

I have a sidebar theory about these types of folks. THEY are the ones most likely to survive an airplane fire or a sinking ship because they’re the ones who step over everyone else to get to the exits. Survivor syndrome be damned!

Try being less self-involved and do ME a favor? Clean off your ENTIRE car before the next snowstorm. From what I understand, it’s the LAW in Delaware.

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Afro Puffs.

So after about a week give or take… a week, I had noticed that Daryl was no longer shaving his head. Now he’s done that before. He’s gone a few days without doing it and to be honest I don’t know HOW he does the shaving thing in the first place. Once he actually shaved a CHUNK from his scalp that bled for hours and I SWORE I could see his skull throbbing! (hehe, not really, but that sounded really SAW 3-like). Personally, I have a hard enough time shaving under my lip. It just takes too much time and the older I get the LESS maintenance I want to require (although, I think it’s working in reverse). I digress.

ANYway… like I said, he’s gone without shaving before, but this time I can actually see “fuzz” growing on his scalp. Not just a shadow, but real honest to goodness FUZZ! As an added bonus, it’s got some beautiful gray on the sides as well and it feels like the crewcut hair that GI-Joe used to have in the 60’s.

So I asked Daryl in my caring, loving way, “I see you’re not shaving your head. What’s with that?” He smiled kindly… almost devilishly… grinned and said, “I’m going to grow AFRO PUFFS.” I stared blankly at him and immediately typed “Afro Puffs” into my phone’s GOOGLE app.

Being an interracial couple, Daryl and I STILL have ethnicity “hurdles.” It’s taken me six years to learn that there is no such thing as “colored pencils, colored lights and I’m STILL unclear on when the “FLESH” tone crayon from Crayola was removed from the box of 64. On the other hand, I continue to explain to the Durnell family that we don’t use the “C” word in my presence. Only Crackers can call Crackers, Crackers. And not all Irish men drink all the time (shit… looking at my FaceBook status for the past six months totally disputes that).

I just figured that the “Afro Puff” was yet another ethnic food that I would get to try like collard greens or jello or something. So I continued my research and lo and behold I found a few photos on what these things were. After my initial reaction of “you’re fucking kidding right?,” I decided that there MUST be a few advantages to having a boyfriend with AFRO PUFFS.

I guess I’ll be able to buy him colored, er, African American ribbons to tie them with as birthday gifts. HANDLES! Yeah I could use them as handles for um… for er… STEERING? Imagine how BUTCH they will look! Almost gansta (do I capitalize gansta? Yet ANOTHER interracial hurdle). Daryl would need a new name. I can see “Daryl Dee” or “Puff Daddy Dee” or even  ‘Fiddle Dee Dee!’ Next thing you know, he’ll be wantin’ to low ride his pants as well.

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“LIKE” it or NOT.

The LIKE “button” on FaceBook… that little “thumbs up” icon we’ve ALL become accustomed to in our new social interactive world. Its purpose is pretty basic really and fairly simple.

I post a status. YOU LIKE IT. You post a status. I LIKE IT. Sort of like slam bam thank you ma’m. No strings attached. You just press a button and it’s over with no real complications! Easy right?

Sometimes though, I feel like I need something more… something DIFFERENT. You know… when LIKE just isn’t ENOUGH. I believe we could use SO many more specific buttons. Just having “LIKE” is akin to having one ear, or one arm (apologies to my appendage impaired friends), you just can’t say it all with only one option.

Other buttons I propose we could benefit from would include an EFF-U button, or maybe something not QUITE that direct? Perhaps EFF-OFF? Obviously it would look like the middle finger and it says… well it SAYS so much! Political and religious posts, advocacy and protest cause posts and the ever popular “what my poo looks like in the morning” posts are ALL candidates for the EFF-OFF button.

I’d favor an “I’m offended” button. I’m certain, actually almost positive, that I’d be the recipient of more than a few of those! It could look like crossed arms or maybe it could resemble a closed mind? I don’t know how it could be represented graphically, however in my opinion, one could just use the “UNfriend” button just as easily. For that very reason, the number of my FB Friends fluctuates as much as the Stock Market on any given day.

How about an “I’m tipsy or a little stoned button?” It could look like the thumbs up icon, but with a martini glass or a doobie held within it. What a great way to let all your FB friends know that your posts and your comments are typed while under the influence! Sort of like a “get out of jail FREE card.” Your friends would give you instant forgiveness for misspellings, rants, raves and unrequited love or late night bootie posts.

I bet everyone could use a “Do I REALLY need to see 675 photos of your baby’s first bath?” button. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been MORE than guilty of OVER posting photos of my kids, my partner, our cat and the Christmas Tree I refuse to take down because it’s the first artificial one I’ve ever had and I CAN leave it up all year! But it’s like when we used to have SLR camera’s in the 80’s and I used to take 800 photos of the dolphin show at SeaWorld and you get them back at $100 a pop to find that they’re all EXACTLY the same! This button could maybe look like a… I dunno… maybe a smashed baby’s face?

How about these surveys and numbers games where you go to check the “statusii” (for the record, I’ve COINED that word) of your close friends and the screen of your smart phone is covered with useless banter between folks that are really trying to vent an over abundance of boredom? Should I HAVE scroll minutes to find out what my best friend had for dinner? I would vote for a “this is just stupid” button. It could be an image of maybe a zombie or a blond chick or something.

Admit it. We ALL have a few FB Friends on our list that want to push the sexuality envelope. SO GLAD that I don’t try to do that, but do we REALLY need to know that you’re horny or hot or hormonal? I suggest a “get a room” button. Obviously it would be the thumbs up (or other appendage) icon with a hotel key held tightly within its grasp.

Look… I truly UNDERSTAND the concept that technology (ie. FaceBook) is only a tool that EMULATES real life socializing, but sometimes I’m too tired to comment on something you have to say so I just want to “click a button” to convey my specific thoughts without having to get a real drawn out response, and LIKE just doesn’t cut it.  

What do YOU think? (PRESS LIKE NOW.)

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