For guys only.

I’m rather proud of the fact that I have been smoke free for about a year. I quit cold-turkey last year on February 22nd. I feel GREAT about that, I really do, however, I have been placating my oral fixation with snacking a little too much… especially while watching TV. While my year without cigarettes is certainly a lifetime milestone… I have another that is far more earth-shattering and one that my female readers may not relate to and so I don’t encourage you to read on.

That being said, and continuing on my vein (poor choice of words) of trying to offend, embarrass and shock with an irreverent blog, on a Sunday no less, I’d like to share the fact that I can no longer SEE my d*ck.

Recently, while watching a Twilight Zone marathon and drinking a few too many glasses of wine, I had to go to the bathroom. I looked down at the toilet and realized with a shock that I could see directly INTO the toilet, but something was missing. I could no longer see my d*ck! Now mind you, I grew up with a wonderful figure, NEVER had to worry about my weight and ALWAYS had a pleasant visual relationship with my d*ck. But now, I was fumbling with a zipper, groping at my pants and TRYING desperately to locate my “thing” so I could take a basic pee (versus a complicated one).

Life is not fair, but I look at the bright side. I realized that while I would LOVE to lose a few pounds so that I could have “direct visual contact” again with my friend, but in the process I have discovered that I can actually look in the reflection of a large print framed in glass that I have hanging over the toilet and do my maneuvering THAT way. PERFECTION.

In summary, I apologize to those that have actually read THIS far either out of curiosity or just plain train wreck disgust, but as I get older I realize that… well… I can get away with saying just about anything because dammit, I earned that right and if you find this offensive then just change the channel… and have a nice day.

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