Monthly Archives: February 2011

5 emotions in less than 30 seconds.

**I dedicate this blog to my long-time neighbor Meg, who has several teenage daughters that she loves dearly as she surmises how to drop them off at the mall while possibly omitting to pick them back up.**

Kids. Teenagers. Brats. Still as self-centered and angst-ridden as we were back in the seventies. The difference today is technology and in my opinion, they are better dressed. Smart phones, Iphones, Ipods and other technology induced devices, bulge from the pockets of today’s youth.

I often imagine what MY teenage years would have been like had we had FaceBook back then. I had always “perceived” that I was somewhat socially networked, but I’m certain I would have paled in comparison to Rodger Blye or Anita Kelly. I’m sure that “super-jock” and “head cheerleader” from the Class of 1975 would have had to scroll for hours at the statuses of their lists upon lists of friends, dismissing “friend requests” like swatting flies away on a humid summer day.

I remember handwritten notes folded like triangles, all colored with pens and markers that had traveled with giggles and red faces from hand to hand until it’s final destination. THAT was our version of texting. Kids today type 250 words per minute (on a keyboard that only a Lilliputian from Gulliver’s Travels could see) with their THUMBS! My 11th grade typing teacher Miss Wright would think this SO wrong.

Emotions today are replicated with “emoticons” and an entire 30 second tirade of a teenage meltdown can look something like this:

:-),   =),  =(,  🙂   😦  :O  {: ] : \  =:O :-),  =(,  🙂   😦  :O  {: =),  =(,  🙂   😦  :O  {: ] : \  =:O

Seems much simpler with such little human interaction, and it would have saved tons of eyeliner and grass stains back in the day. Also, I could have conducted all of my dating via “SMH,” “LMAO,” and “WTF?” Pure teenage bliss.

The one thing that seems to have not changed, however, is a trip to the mall.

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The DVR and LL Cool J are gifts from God

What the hell did we do before the DVR (Digital Video Recorder)? Daryl and I are currently “renting” our DVR from Comcast. We had heard about DVR’s a few years back from other folks who were already tossing video cassettes by the hundreds to “record” their favorites shows to watch at will.

Our schedules are fairly opposite (read: perfect relationship) and while we definitely have our own individual tastes in television favorites, we also have many common shows that we like to watch together.

For example, General Hospital is DVR’d. No longer do we have to stay up until 10 p.m. to watch it on Soap Net. We record and watch it daily. It is erased ONLY in emergency situations where we need space on the DVR. We STILL have the second wedding of Luke and Laura taped when Laura came out of her coma stupor for a ratings sweep a few years back (at least I THINK we still have that on the DVR… sometimes I am technologically challenged and when I’m cleaning things out I erase them without knowing it). Other well kept (I hope) episodes include the death (then the ghost) of Emily Quartermaine and the Metro Court hostage drama and subsequent explosion where Jerry Jax was “discovered” and looked NOTHING like the original apparently because he had plastic surgery…

Other shows we like to record include Oprah Winfrey’s “last season,” Castle, Modern Family (which Daryl will watch a minimum of 10 times per episode) and tons of Will and Grace reruns. Our list of intellectual recordings include… um… shit… I can’t think of any of those off-hand. Does “Survivor” count? I DID record an episode of a 20/20 show on the negative effects of living in a Mexican drug lord’s cartel once by mistake.

We LOVE the fast forward feature of the DVR. Commercials be gone (unless it’s the Old Spice guy who is absolutely adorable, and personally, I love the E-trade babies). I particularly enjoy fast forwarding through the seven trillion Raymour & Flanigan ads per minute.

Having a slow motion and stop pause feature on our DVR is an incredible bonus to use when the “Bachelor” comes out of the swimming pool in Vegas or when L.L.Cool J smiles on NCIS Los Angeles. We also use it continuously for snack and bathroom breaks during our TV marathons.

Occasionally, we have to clean out old shows to get additional space for recording. I will typically find the shows that Daryl likes to record that I consider fluff and ridiculous, and then I tell him that Comcast MUST have messed up our DVR during the last power outage. I’ll continue to drone on about how maybe we should just try to re-evaluate our cable needs and he glazes over, smiles and asks what’s for dinner.

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Daryl, just read the damn blog!

Daryl asked me the other night if I had heard from Ashley and Quintin yet (my daughter and new husband who left last week for their conservation based “extended honeymoon” in Australia and New Zealand for about 10 months), to which I replied, “Just read my blog!”

He doesn’t read. Period. I’ve been in this relationship with the man 6 years and I have seen him with a hard-covered book twice. One of those he’s been “reading” for the six years I’ve known him. His periodical of choice is “Soap Opera Digest.” Sigh. At least he’s cute.

If the man wants to know if I went food shopping? Read my blog and he’ll know not only did I go food shopping, but where I shopped, what time I went, where I parked, what I had for lunch, and which hand I scratched my ass with while trying to decide what to get for dinner!

Come on Daryl! It’s EASY!

Want to know if I’m in a great mood and you’re going to “get lucky?” BLOG.

Want to know how my work day went? BLOG.

My favorite color? BLOG. BLOG. BLOG.

Sheesh. One would THINK communication would be EASY in this relationship.

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Goin’ to the Chapel…

… and we’re gonna get married.

Oh wait… we can’t in Pennsylvania.

Daryl and I have decided (he doesn’t know it yet) that we MAY want to get married someday. Until 2004, same-sex couples couldn’t wed anywhere in the country. Now, gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire and most recently Maryland. 

We’re in NO rush mind you, I mean look at what straight people have done to the institution! However, it might be nice someday to walk down a flower drenched aisle at Calvary Christian Chapel in Chester Springs (oh wait, I forgot they kicked Daryl out because of his “sexual preference”) in front of family and friends to share a sense of public loving (read: legal) commitment.

If we DID decide on wedded bliss, we’d have to decide most importantly who would be the best man. Since I would be marrying MY best man, I guess we would pick Crystal, Daryl’s sister who lives in San Antonio, Texas. She actually got married once several years ago I heard, to HERSELF. That’s REALLY how it should be done! No messy custody battles or embarrassing public shows of hatred and jealousy should you fall out of love or find infidelity within your soul. I love Crystal.

We’d need bridesmaids I guess, or at a minimum, a maid of honor. We know tons of “fag hags” that we could invite further into our inner circle of love for the task, but knowing us, we’d probably just pick “the cat,” dress her up in a dress and bonnet of humiliation and leave it at that.

Our Moms could be escorted in by two shirtless hunky men (I detect a recurring theme throughout my blog), a mandingo for my Mom and an Irish tenor for Daryl’s Mom. The escorts would be very rich so that the mothers could have built-in dates/future husbands to dance with at the reception.

The reception would be held, where else but where it all began with Daryl and I, the timeless Iron Hill in Media. Micro-brewed beers for EVERY one, and burgers beyond belief! It would be chicer than chic with fine draped rainbow colored crepe paper and matching tissue crafted carnations.

After a honeymoon on the banks of Goose Creek, we’d most likely reside where we both grew up… here in West Chester in a house with a white picket fence and 2.4 children. Ahhh wedded bliss.

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random thoughts you plague my mind…

Random thoughts

you plague my mind

to overwhelm me so

you fight for space

you strive to be

though make my chest to swell

i cannot breathe oh thoughts of mine

you pound me from behind

i try to take you

make you sit

and calm yourself awhile

until you see

that I can’t see

the ways you make me swirl

i’ll place you here upon this page

Perhaps to keep you still.

ed.

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overconfident underwear

One day I was viewing a photo of some friends on FaceBook and this little ad at the bottom right of the photo intrigued me. The ad copy indicated that the photo of underwear shown was called OVERconfident briefs.

Silly me. I thought perhaps they were for the man who was… well-endowed and over-confident with his manhood, so I ordered a carton of six. However, after clicking further and actually reading the copy associated with the photo, I realized that they were men’s “diapers.”

http://www.murphywear.com/home/products

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I have more addictions than eyelashes.

Yet another addiction…

Damn! Just when I thought I had the online porn addiction licked, I learned how to BLOG. I’m really just trading one addiction for another, but I guess it could be considered a trade UP (for the record, the porn thing is not like an “I’m drooling and touching all day” sort of addiction, it’s more of a “How do they do THAT position?” or a “Look at that ugly sofa they’re using!” sort of fascination. Hopefully, I did not leave you with un-erasable images).

I remember back in the “olden days” when AOL first came out (as did I, not long after); it was the coolest thing to enter into an online world as soon as the screeching, gurgling sound of the modem hook up was complete. I was truly captivated by the voice that said “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” and the little red flag that popped up on my mailbox. My addiction to the computer began. Chat rooms, gifs, jpegs and “LOL” were the rage! I literally learned more acronyms in a month than in my entire life. In retrospect, if I had the time I spent on AOL back, I could have actually experienced the late 80’s.

I guess I’ve always had what one therapist referred to as an “addictive personality.” I just assumed it meant that “other people would find MY personality addicting.” You know… people would HAVE to be near me to survive. I should have had him clarify.

I DO remember growing up with a fascination for Barbra Streisand and the weather (not necessarily in that order). I’d scan every PEOPLE magazine for the latest scoop on the Diva, after reading about the latest meteorological forecasts. It was a mix of obsessions that just did not bode well for a gangly, pot smoking teen just trying to fit in. I eventually got over the Streisand addiction (and the pot) as her voice cracked and her weight ballooned, however I DO have a link to her “official website” on my blog out of some sort of sick reverence to her political liberalism. As far as being mesmerized by weather, I once watched the Weather Channel for 3 hours straight during a recent blizzard without changing the channel once.

As I sit here blogging about my addiction to addictions and thinking why I am not getting out of my robe to go shower then clean off my car from a snow storm earlier in the week, I wonder why I can’t be addicted to cleaning the toilet, or the kitchen floor. How about being addicted to my job or mailing checks to charities? THESE are what I would consider HEALTHY addictions.

That being said, one day soon hopefully this blogging thing will eventually simmer down like a 12 year old girl when Justin Bieber starts to sing or maybe I’ll find a new addiction like eating healthy or smiling for no reason at all, to replace the keyboard.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, when Daryl left for work this morning, he said he “was leaving”… I dunno… three or four times before I finally got up from blogging to walk him to the door and kiss him goodbye. He’s SO annoying, but alas he is my biggest and best addiction. : )

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