(dedicated to my good health-conscious friend Heather, and Bob – who literally LIVES at the many gyms he belongs to)
in no particular order…
1. You’re at the gym to work out. No gossiping, cat calling, ogling (unless it’s at me of course), date descriptions or date making.
2. Just because YOU like your workout music loud, I do not. Your iPod may consist of the latest “eff that hoe beatch” rap song or perhaps Metal Head Mania #9. I do not care to listen to your music. Turn it down or off or I will find a way to have you trip over your ear bud cord.
3. Locker room maintenance. Guys… clean up after you shave. This includes discarded whiskers, razor blades, clipped toenails, fingernails, and bloody band aids. Rinse the sink and move on. Thank you.
4. Heavy showers of cologne and perfume are prohibited. WHY do you think it masks some natural musky smell or God knows what, but I need to BREATHE while working out and your cheap sh*t ain’t helpin’.
5. Attire I. Yes, perhaps my physique resembles a tire at times but I will NOT wear spandex that looks as though it’s been molded to me thus showing every vein, mole and um… religion that I am. Grocery stores are for plums stuffed in a sack, not the gym. Also please discard used jocks in the trash and not in the locker I want to use.
6. Attire II. I realize that low riding apparel it the rage these days, but I honestly don’t care to see the underwear of ANYone unless it’s L.L.Cool J, Dean Cain, or my partner Daryl. Pull it up or pull it out is my motto.
7. Gentlemen. Do we need to spit THAT much? If I need to see the inside of YOUR body via expectoration, I will run you over with my car in the parking lot. SPLAT. Done deal.
8. Women. Scrunchies are done. They were actually over the day BEFORE they were invented. Doesn’t matter if they’re color coordinated with your 80’s leg warmers or not. DONE.
9. Kids. No. No. And again NO. Kids under the age of 21 are not allowed in my work out zone. Hire a sitter, find one of those plastic ball rooms somewhere or just don’t bring them. If you do, I am not responsible for locked steam room incidents.
10. Steam rooms. Um… don’t know about the women’s side, but in the men’s side. No. I REALLY don’t need to see your junk sitting on the bench in all its mini glory. Again, if you look like L.L. or Dean Cain, come on in. Other than that, keep your stuff to yourself and use a towel.
I have a few other “rules” of the workout, but I’ll save them for another time. In the meantime, how about you share some of YOURS in the comments section of my blog? Thanks, as always, for reading.