rear window.

image courtesy IMDB

Daryl and I have lived at our current location for close to 5 years now. Our 2nd floor condo has a small tastefully decorated patio that overlooks several other areas of our condo-opolis. During the warm days of summer, I like to partake in the occasional cocktail whilst (hate pretentious writers that use that word, but I’ve always wanted to use it myself just because… I can) observing this condo-opolis community whilst tossing the obligatory three-finger wave to those neighbors that insist on communicating.

I remember, as a teen, being infatuated with the 1954 Hitchcock thriller, entitled Rear Window staring James Stewart and Grace Kelly (not to be confused with a favorite porn flick entitled “Back Door” starring Mitch Cock). I’ve always considered myself an “observer” of life’s situations and I believed to have a front row seat (albeit a WHEELchair and armed with high-power binoculars) like Mr. Stewart would be the perfect way to do just that!

That being said, I have recorded several “observations” from our 2nd story patio. We live in a rather diverse neighborhood, so please bear in mind that I am in no way perpetuating stereotypes, however I can only say what I saw… see what I saw… seesaw…

These observations are in no particular order:

Mexicans do all the landscaping.

Black men do all the trash pick up.

“The Gays” have the prettiest patios.

Lesbians have the sturdiest decks.

Italians have the smallest decks, but act like they’re huge.

Baptists play Gospel music the loudest (for some reason more so when the gays/lesbians are having friends over).

Thugs always have cars with tinted windows, the deepest bassed music blaring from the tiniest of speakers and usually three out of four shiny hubcaps.

Republicans always fly American flags.

Democrats usually have pretty flower or cute bunny flags.

Blue collar maintenance men have the filthiest mouths and the nicest asses.

Fat people don’t pick up their dog’s shit.

Men always spit.

Retired folks always have a bench or a chair just outside their front door, under a hand-made wreath.

The mailman has the best looking legs.

Little kids always stomp UP the hall stairs, run DOWN the hall stairs, and never fail to SLAM the front door.

The UPS guy is always hot.

Birds always dive at rogue cats.

Cats always ignore diving birds.

And finally, baby strollers are beginning to look like SUV’s as are the Mother’s pushing them.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “rear window.

  1. Hey, I watched that movie about 2 weeks ago.

    That list pretty much covers it. I don’t see it as much anymore, since I moved to Arkansas. Now, my neighborhood is nothing but old people, and it’s BORING.

  2. Never before have I seen such a long list of completely accurate descriptions pertaining to things we notice everyday and take for granted. I may live outside of a tiny town in Iowa now, but I spent 41 years of my life across the bridge from Omaha, Nebraska, and if that isn’t a metropolis of misery and diversity. I just sat here nodding my head the whole time I read this. Accurate, but unfortunately most of these people have just followed the lead of those before them and know no different. The sad ‘learned behavior’ syndrome.
    Oooohhh… I wonder how many people you’re going to piss off with this one Ed! Should I start referring to you as ‘Stirring-the-pot-Ed’? Eh, you’ll survive. I do it all the time and people still read my shit.
    Speaking of your Rear Window/Back Door comparison. I just had flashbacks of watching ‘Dickman and Throbbin’ with my first husband when we were newly married. “This is a job for…((D.I.C.K…M.A.N!))” That just cracked me up.

  3. christine

    Wow Ed that was spot on. Whilst reading it, I couldn’t help but smile. Have a happy weekend. Maybe I will get to see you in July or August when I come home.

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