Category Archives: Top TENS

Top Ten Ways Two Gay Men Prepare for Irene.

Apparently we are in the path of what weather forecasters are calling the storm of the century. Now I realize that I’m a poster child for “skepticism” and I have been known to “pooh” these forecasts, but JUST in case, there are a few things Daryl and I need to do in preparation…

1. Check supplies of batteries. What the heck for? To put in a radio? We haven’t seen a “radio” since the seventies. (For the record, we have a DuraCell credit card)

2. Check for flashlight? Hrmpff. We’ll use our battery operated candles. It’s all about ambience.

3. Fill the bathtub with water. Um… we’ve done things in that tub that make us SURE to not use tub water for ANYthing.

4. Check bottled water. Do mixers count?

5. Get bread, eggs and milk. Oh wait… it’s NOT a snowstorm.

6. Check vodka supply. LOL. Like we’d forget that.

7. Check vodka supply, again.

8. Stay tuned to TV for up to the minute emergency coverage of the storm. Um… we have Comcast for cable and AT&T for our iphones. We’re screwed and will most likely watch a DVD of Mrs. Doubtfire.

9. Stay inside; drink plenty of fluids and rest. Wait… I think that’s if you’re sick.

10. Basically, Irene is considered an extreme blow job. Fortunately for us, we’ve got THAT one covered.

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Top ten misconceptions about an old interracial gay couple.

Matching tee shirts are SO gay, even if they ARE Jakes Bar.

1. One of us is the “husband” and one of us is the “bitch.”
TRUTH: While we don’t strive to emulate straight stereotypical roles, we are BOTH the “bitch.”

2. Attempting to incorporate our culinary heritage into our diet, we eat fried chicken on Friday nights and goulash on Mondays.
TRUTH: We eat fried chicken any day that we require comfort food and goulash is just nasty.

3. We use 50% less sunscreen than a Caucasian gay couple.
TRUTH: We don’t go out in the sun unless there is alcohol involved and only then with a rainbow-colored parasol.

4. Our musical tastes include Lady Gaga, Bootsy Collins and Justin Bieber.
TRUTH: Daryl knows the words to Justin Bieber songs. I, on the other hand, have ear plugs.

5. We have store credit cards at Old Navy and The Gap.
TRUTH: Credit cards are not our friends.

6. My pet name is “Flashlight.”
TRUTH: Although during sex in a dark room there are times where the only one I see is me, that is not my pet name.

7. Daryl’s pet name is “Bubalicious.”
TRUTH: It is.

8. People assume that one of us is well hung.
Truth: We both are.

9. I prefer chocolate ice cream, Daryl prefers vanilla.
TRUTH: True

10. We use Kool Aid as a mixer.
TRUTH: It was just that one time!

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sex and other slump(s).

I was going to do a top ten list of the different types of slumps to post, but I’m currently in a “writer’s slump” and I couldn’t come up with ten. I came up with one. Make out that two. I apologize in advance. Bite me.

For some reason I can’t seem to get a grip on writing on the fly this week. Maybe it’s because of the lubrication interruption of sleep I get because Daryl is up all night sneezing because of his allergies. Poor guy, I REALLY do feel sorry for him. He will sneeze orgasmically a minimum of 6 times per episode. I remember 6 because it rhymes with SEX.

Speaking of slumps, our sex life could use a poke in the butt arm. Our schedules have been pretty wacked off out lately so the frequency of our romantic interludes have gone down recently. It’s difficult to get together because I am in retail and he is not. He gets has off on Holidays while I jerk work them. I just said to him last evening after dinner, “Horny Honey, I think we need to ejaculate evaluate our frequency,” to which Daryl looked up from his Soap Opera Digest and innocently sneezed that I should try my hand bran.

Yawn. After working a 12-hour day yesterday with the promise of a drippy busy weekend ahead, I’m not sure this sex slump will ever cum come to an end because the people at work are just sucking the life from me.

Oh well, I guess after all is said and done, most humps slumps eventually turn around and grow erect into positive examples of humility, so I’ll wait patiently as I continue to fornicate participate in this fun loving, ass grabbing fulfilling relationship together.

Whew! I need a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke.

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Top TEN Rules for workout etiquette.

(dedicated to my good health-conscious friend Heather, and Bob – who literally LIVES at the many gyms he belongs to)

in no particular order…

1. You’re at the gym to work out. No gossiping, cat calling, ogling (unless it’s at me of course), date descriptions or date making.

2. Just because YOU like your workout music loud, I do not. Your iPod may consist of the latest “eff that hoe beatch” rap song or perhaps Metal Head Mania #9. I do not care to listen to your music. Turn it down or off or I will find a way to have you trip over your ear bud cord.

3. Locker room maintenance. Guys… clean up after you shave. This includes discarded whiskers, razor blades, clipped toenails, fingernails, and bloody band aids. Rinse the sink and move on. Thank you.

4. Heavy showers of cologne and perfume are prohibited. WHY do you think it masks some natural musky smell or God knows what, but I need to BREATHE while working out and your cheap sh*t ain’t helpin’.

5. Attire I. Yes, perhaps my physique resembles a tire at times but I will NOT wear spandex that looks as though it’s been molded to me thus showing every vein, mole and um… religion that I am. Grocery stores are for plums stuffed in a sack, not the gym. Also please discard used jocks in the trash and not in the locker I want to use.

6. Attire II. I realize that low riding apparel it the rage these days, but I honestly don’t care to see the underwear of ANYone unless it’s L.L.Cool J, Dean Cain, or my partner Daryl. Pull it up or pull it out is my motto.

7. Gentlemen. Do we need to spit THAT much? If I need to see the inside of YOUR body via expectoration, I will run you over with my car in the parking lot. SPLAT. Done deal.

8. Women. Scrunchies are done. They were actually over the day BEFORE they were invented. Doesn’t matter if they’re color coordinated with your 80’s leg warmers or not. DONE.

9. Kids. No. No. And again NO. Kids under the age of 21 are not allowed in my work out zone. Hire a sitter, find one of those plastic ball rooms somewhere or just don’t bring them. If you do, I am not responsible for locked steam room incidents.

10. Steam rooms. Um… don’t know about the women’s side, but in the men’s side. No. I REALLY don’t need to see your junk sitting on the bench in all its mini glory. Again, if you look like L.L. or Dean Cain, come on in. Other than that, keep your stuff to yourself and use a towel.

I have a few other “rules” of the workout, but I’ll save them for another time. In the meantime, how about you share some of YOURS in the comments section of my blog? Thanks, as always, for reading.

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Lights! Camera! Action! Bawl!

My top TEN tear jerker flicks:

Sometimes, I like to cry. I’ve always been in touch with my emotional side and I find it very cleansing to find outlets to bring on the tears in ways that are safe, yet productive. When I DO get in this weepy state of mind, the movies listed below are the ones I locate first to support me in my effort to just let it all flow!

It’s very difficult to pick only ten since I sometimes I’ll cry at a flavored coffee commercial, but here are my cinematic choices in no particular order. I have also included links on most of the scenes, if you’re so inclined to watch.

1. The Color Purple (1985):
Two scenes actually kill me EVERY time in this Spielberg (non-Academy Award nominated) classic. The first is when Shug Avery sings “God Is Tryin’ to Tell You Somethin’” while walking briskly to her father’s church and he opens his arms to hug her. Also, who can forget the final scene when Celie and Nettie see each other for the first time in many years? I’ve watched this scene so many times and I KNOW my eyes are gonna start flooding as soon as I see those beautiful colored capes blowing in the wind with the dust… I’m gone. As the long lost sisters run through the fields of purple as they shout each other’s names. I lose it every time.

2. Brian’s Song (1971):
This television movie of the week back in 1971 was what they would classify today as a “biopic.”  Two scenes stand out in my claim to cryin’ shame: Gale Sayers’ (Billy Dee Williams) haltingly spoken locker-room address to his fellow players on Brian Piccolo’s (James Caan) cancer, breaking down into uncontrollable sobs to prematurely end his speech. And later, his tear-jerking acceptance of the George S. Halas Award for Courage: “I love Brian Piccolo. And I’d like all of you to love him too. And tonight, when you hit your knees – please ask God to love him.” Priceless.

3. Beaches (1988):
Starring Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey as life-long friends CC and Hillary and their relationship as Hillary slowly dies from a cardiac illness. The movie ends with CC taking Hillary home to die in comfort. While I KNOW it’s all a ploy, I fall for it every time.

4. Steel Magnolias (1989):
Sally Field, Sally Field, Sally Field (as M’Lynn Eatenton) pouring out her torment at the loss of daughter Shelby, at the funeral as Olympia Dukakis (as Clairee Belcher) screams “hit THIS!”  Simply classic.

5. Castaway (2000):
One word… Wilson. The incredible acting skills of Tom Hanks to make me fall in love with his friendship and eventual loss of the face of a volleyball. The scene where Wilson is floating away in the ocean… sigh, I can’t finish this description. : )

6. Schindler’s List (1993):
Most people will want to feel like bawling throughout the entire film, but the most impactful moment for me personally, is when I see the little Jewish girl’s body (red coat) in a wheelbarrow full of corpses. Even though I only briefly saw her earlier in the film hiding under a bed, the stark visual of the red coat in a world of black and white horror just has the most incredible impact on me.

7. Ghost (1990):
I feel almost guilty having this one on my list because it was such a ploy to bring on the flood gates, but it too, gets me every time. The final scene when Demi Moore’s character (Molly), sees and hears Patrick Swayze’s character (Sam) before his flight into eternity truly turns on my emotional faucet. Who wouldn’t want that last chance to say goodbye to a dead love with the music of Karl Michael’s “Hereafter” swelling in the background?

8. Mask (1985):
I was never a typical Cher fan really, but I couldn’t help to tear up at the end of this loosely adapted true story about the relationship of young Rocky Dennis, played amazingly by Eric Stoltz (who had a massive skull deformity) and his “biker chick” mother, Rusty (Cher). Rocky doesn’t show up for school one morning as Rusty gets a phone call asking where he is. She goes to his bedroom to find him dead. Mother has not only lost her son, but she has lost one of the only people in her troubled life that truly understood her. Very teary scene.

9. UP (2009):
I think one of the reasons the beginning of Up is so touching is that it comes out of completely nowhere, seeing as most folks think they’re about to see a movie about some old dude who sails around the world in a balloon house. But I should have known that Pixar is more than just a bunch of flashy colors, and without a doubt, the death of Carl’s wife is the saddest moment found in any of their films. Not your typical animated pic.

10. Brokeback Mountain (2005):
The scene of Ennis’ first discovery of the blood-stained shirts in Jack’s childhood bedroom some time after his death. The shirts belonged to himself and ex-lover Jack (who had died while changing a tire that exploded, although Ennis imagined it as a gay-bashing incident) from when they fought together years earlier on Brokeback Mountain – he held the shirts to his face and breathed in their scent; and the melodramatic ending, in which Ennis once again saw their two old shirts (hanging in the back of a closet in the trailer of his father). The two shirts were both together on one hanger, intertwined – Jack’s blood-stained shirt was tucked inside of Ennis’s – he also saw a postcard of Brokeback Mountain tacked next to the shirts and straightened it – he tearfully and regretfully cried about their forbidden homosexual love affair: “Jack, I swear…”

Very Honorable mentions:
Green Mile, Rudy, ET, My Dog Skip, Sophie’s Choice, Saving Private Ryan, Life is Beautiful, The Notebook, Marley and Me, I am Sam, Rosewood, My Girl

I’ve certainly killed a lot of trees with all the boxes of tissues I’ve gone through. What are YOUR favorite tear-jerkers?

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TOP TEN REASONS this relationship is doomed to fail:

1.  He’s shallow. I’m deep.
     (unless there is a shirtless jogger or we’re at the gym)

2.  He’s smart. I’m smarter.
     (except at Jeopardy, Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune)

3.  He likes to gamble. I don’t play games.
     (Bejeweled Blitz and online Scrabble do not count)

4.  He’s a-dor-a-ble. I’m a-door-mat.

5.  He’s dark. I’m light.

6.  He’s a man. I’m a man.

7.  He reads Soap Opera Digest. I read the New York Times.

8.  He likes an occasional c*cktail. I like an occasional c*ck.

9.  He watches WIPEOUT. I watch The American Experience.

10. He makes me laugh. I make him crazy.

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Top TEN reasons to call out sick today…

10. My eyes want to stay closed.

9. I can’t seem to get last night’s crusty drool off of my chin (oh wait… THAT’S not drool!)

8. The sun is out and it’s WAY ABOVE freezing.

7. I STILL need to take down the Christmas Tree.

6. Today is Christine’s last day.  : (

5. My hair is just not looking good today.

4. I need to go food shopping (the fridge has one container of expired yogurt and a Pizza Hut Box with a 2 week old pepperoni pizza in it).

3. I have several games of online “Scrabble” to catch up on.

2. My windshield is covered with winter salt and I’d be visually impaired.

1. I need to catch up on the movies I have yet to rent, 
    including “The Human Centipede.”

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