daryl-isms

Ed (while researching Thanksgiving Day volunteer opportunities): “I’m not sure about contacting the Salvation Army to see if they need volunteers to help serve food, because even though they claim to be Christian, they don’t support homosexuality.”

Daryl: “I honestly don’t think a homeless person you’re feeding really cares if you’re a homosexual.”

(sigh)… this is why I love the guy.

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A typical text tussle:
Daryl is at work and I JUST started putting the groceries away. I texted him…

Ed: “OMG, I did not realize what u got at the market yesterday. Now we have TWICE as much of EVERYTHING.

Daryl (ignoring my statement as usual): Send me a picture of your new haircut!

Ed (sending pic):  “There. Happy?”

Daryl: “Your face still makes me smell… smile (Damned auto-correct!)”

Ed: “dick (NO auto-correct)”

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Ed: Hooray! The downstairs neighbors are moving out!
(they have too many little kids, freakish family visitors, the TV is way too loud and they live like slobs)

Daryl: That’s great.

Ed: Wouldn’t it be great if a nice fun gay couple moved in that we could hang out with or invite to dinner?

Daryl: (with enthusiam now) Yeah! And maybe they would be REALLY hot looking!

Ed: (rolling eyes and thinking Daryl shallow) They wouldn’t have to be hot, just friendly.

Daryl: Yeah, you’re right… as long as their friends are hot then.

Ed: … silence…

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Daryl: (lying on me while I’m trying to type) “sigh.”
Ed: “Babe… you’re REALLY in my space. I can’t breathe!”
Daryl: “Why do you need to breathe?”

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I MUST preface THIS “Daryl-ism” with the fact that he and I truly have the MINDS of two 5th grade boys. I must also preface this “Daryl-ism” with the fact that apparently there are LINES that most probably should not be crossed in writing. I have not found them yet.

3 am. this morning…

Ed (upon waking in bed and silently farting under the covers, and thinking Daryl asleep): “Sorry Bub, that smells like burnt plastic.”

Daryl (without pause): “Not THAT good.”

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Ed: “Let’s get our errands done early this rainy morning, so we can maybe read in bed this afternoon.”
Daryl (in HIS sexiest growl): “yeah… read each others bodies.”
Ed (eye roll).

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Ed: My cocktail tastes weak. How many jiggers did you put in?
Daryl: Excuse me? It’s jigro.

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Ed: Why do Black people have such big butts?
Daryl: How do White people sit down?

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Ed (on couch) to Daryl (who’s in the kitchen): “Where’s my wine?”
Daryl: “Sounds like it’s coming from the couch.”

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So I loaded the dishwasher this morning with six “things” and I’m not “allowed” to load the dishwasher because I apparently never rinse things properly. Daryl went to the kitchen and opened the dishwasher before turning it on and wanted to know which 6 things.

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Ed: “I wish I had a boyfriend who understood me.”
Daryl: “What do you mean?”

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Daryl: Would you like some of this candy?
Ed: No thanks, I’m trying to watch my waistline.
Daryl: Trying? It’s actually very easy to see.

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Daryl: (calling on his way home from work) “Hey Babe. I’m on my way home. What’s for dinner? And is it diet related?”
Ed: “I’m making a lovely baked water dish. Diet enough?”
Daryl: “Well… I DO prefer my water braised, but it sounds okay. So seriously, what’s for dinner?”
Ed: “I’m trying a new a chicken, lemon, potato, and green bean skillet dish.”
Daryl: “Good. And if I don’t like it, it’ll be real diet food.”
Ed: *click*