Tag Archives: christian

rear window.

image courtesy IMDB

Daryl and I have lived at our current location for close to 5 years now. Our 2nd floor condo has a small tastefully decorated patio that overlooks several other areas of our condo-opolis. During the warm days of summer, I like to partake in the occasional cocktail whilst (hate pretentious writers that use that word, but I’ve always wanted to use it myself just because… I can) observing this condo-opolis community whilst tossing the obligatory three-finger wave to those neighbors that insist on communicating.

I remember, as a teen, being infatuated with the 1954 Hitchcock thriller, entitled Rear Window staring James Stewart and Grace Kelly (not to be confused with a favorite porn flick entitled “Back Door” starring Mitch Cock). I’ve always considered myself an “observer” of life’s situations and I believed to have a front row seat (albeit a WHEELchair and armed with high-power binoculars) like Mr. Stewart would be the perfect way to do just that!

That being said, I have recorded several “observations” from our 2nd story patio. We live in a rather diverse neighborhood, so please bear in mind that I am in no way perpetuating stereotypes, however I can only say what I saw… see what I saw… seesaw…

These observations are in no particular order:

Mexicans do all the landscaping.

Black men do all the trash pick up.

“The Gays” have the prettiest patios.

Lesbians have the sturdiest decks.

Italians have the smallest decks, but act like they’re huge.

Baptists play Gospel music the loudest (for some reason more so when the gays/lesbians are having friends over).

Thugs always have cars with tinted windows, the deepest bassed music blaring from the tiniest of speakers and usually three out of four shiny hubcaps.

Republicans always fly American flags.

Democrats usually have pretty flower or cute bunny flags.

Blue collar maintenance men have the filthiest mouths and the nicest asses.

Fat people don’t pick up their dog’s shit.

Men always spit.

Retired folks always have a bench or a chair just outside their front door, under a hand-made wreath.

The mailman has the best looking legs.

Little kids always stomp UP the hall stairs, run DOWN the hall stairs, and never fail to SLAM the front door.

The UPS guy is always hot.

Birds always dive at rogue cats.

Cats always ignore diving birds.

And finally, baby strollers are beginning to look like SUV’s as are the Mother’s pushing them.

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i’m watching u.

Face Book is voyeuristic.

Are you one of those folks that like to look at the photos of friends on Face Book? I do. The problem is, the way Face Book works is that there are so many links to other friends and friends of friends and family friends and enemies of family friends that I find myself looking at the photo album of some college frat party where the guys are taking their pants off and vomiting in a trashcan!

I never was a good web surfer.

I get distracted way too easily and end up being online looking through layers of pages and photos for hours finally forgetting what I was originally looking for. I begin by searching for a new church to attend and end up looking at shirtless Christian men. Go figure. I guess it’s similar to when I open my spice shelf in the kitchen looking for cinnamon and I end up finding the dill weed and dry mustard and I start looking for a new recipe while the dessert burns.

Maybe I have ADD. I’d get a prescription for that, however, I’m sure I would forget to take it and end up swallowing two of something else and end up sleeping for a week.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah… voyeuristic Face Book. I guess that why Mark Zuckerberg invented it in the first place.

Have a great day and keep posting those shirtless photos!

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Happy Rapture Eve!

With only one more day left before we all succumb to the wickedness of the world, I believe this would be a great time to throw a party! My schedule is such that I happen to be off today, so I can take FULL advantage of my preparations for the big event tomorrow! I know this is last minute and most of you have plans I’m sure, but take a look at my devilish agenda below and RSVP (quickly) by midnight tonight at the phone number listed at the end of this post.

I’m thinking out loud that my guest list will pretty much include YOU, if you’re reading this. No offense, but most of my friends are probably not on the list of “good” Christians headed upstairs, so consider yourself doomed, but invited.

The first thing on my preparation agenda today will be to visit my local Target store for Rapture Eve party decorations. I’m thinking that a theme of reds, oranges and blacks (sort of a fire and brimstone affair) will be just perfect. I’m assuming Target will have a full aisle dedicated to this type of event and I would hope that clearance pricing is in order.

Food will include deviled eggs, devil’s food cupcakes and a few other devil related food stuffs like tofu and Brussels sprouts. While I’m at the supermarket I must make a mental note not to purchase green bananas.

I think I’ll forgo traditional alcoholic fare in favor of a punch. After all, what IS the end of the world as we know it other than a punch? I couldn’t actually come up with a recipe for a “Devil’s Punch,” so I decided to Google it. This is what came up:

Devil Punch

Attire for the party will be semi-formal and consist of a lot of red, black and maybe some metallic accessories to have a sort of pitchfork tie-in. If you’re unsure of what to wear, here is an example:

Party favors will consist of the usual anti-Christian fare such as “Planned Parenthood” membership cards, inverted crucifixes and Muslim kneeling pads. I will also have a large barrel centrally located at the party that can be used to burn all bills, alimony payment documents and liens. The fire itself could be a warm reminder of what’s truly in store for all of us.

The music playlist will include but not be limited to:

“Sympathy for the Devil” – Rolling Stones, “Highway to Hell” – AC/DC, “Number of the Beast” – Iron Maiden, “Running with the Devil”- Van Halen, “Devil’s Haircut’ – Beck, “Devil Went Down To Georgia” – Charlie Daniels Band, “Devil With the Blue Dress” – Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels, “Hellhound On My Trail” – Robert Johnson, “Friend of the Devil” – Grateful Dead, and  “Devil’s Right Hand” – Johnny Cash and of course “Rapture” – Blondie.

We could also have some sort of New Year’s Eve-like countdown to midnight for the Rapture Event, but maybe we could do it in Latin so it could double as some sort of final blessing like they did in the movie The Exorcist… “decem, novem, octo, …”

I hope you are all as excited as I am to prepare to celebrate together one final time before the world is destroyed.

Please RSVP by midnight tonight to 1-900-666-6666.

Special note:
Children, teens and of course in-laws are certainly invited, since most of them are already full of the devil anyway.

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Goin’ to the Chapel…

… and we’re gonna get married.

Oh wait… we can’t in Pennsylvania.

Daryl and I have decided (he doesn’t know it yet) that we MAY want to get married someday. Until 2004, same-sex couples couldn’t wed anywhere in the country. Now, gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire and most recently Maryland. 

We’re in NO rush mind you, I mean look at what straight people have done to the institution! However, it might be nice someday to walk down a flower drenched aisle at Calvary Christian Chapel in Chester Springs (oh wait, I forgot they kicked Daryl out because of his “sexual preference”) in front of family and friends to share a sense of public loving (read: legal) commitment.

If we DID decide on wedded bliss, we’d have to decide most importantly who would be the best man. Since I would be marrying MY best man, I guess we would pick Crystal, Daryl’s sister who lives in San Antonio, Texas. She actually got married once several years ago I heard, to HERSELF. That’s REALLY how it should be done! No messy custody battles or embarrassing public shows of hatred and jealousy should you fall out of love or find infidelity within your soul. I love Crystal.

We’d need bridesmaids I guess, or at a minimum, a maid of honor. We know tons of “fag hags” that we could invite further into our inner circle of love for the task, but knowing us, we’d probably just pick “the cat,” dress her up in a dress and bonnet of humiliation and leave it at that.

Our Moms could be escorted in by two shirtless hunky men (I detect a recurring theme throughout my blog), a mandingo for my Mom and an Irish tenor for Daryl’s Mom. The escorts would be very rich so that the mothers could have built-in dates/future husbands to dance with at the reception.

The reception would be held, where else but where it all began with Daryl and I, the timeless Iron Hill in Media. Micro-brewed beers for EVERY one, and burgers beyond belief! It would be chicer than chic with fine draped rainbow colored crepe paper and matching tissue crafted carnations.

After a honeymoon on the banks of Goose Creek, we’d most likely reside where we both grew up… here in West Chester in a house with a white picket fence and 2.4 children. Ahhh wedded bliss.

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