Tag Archives: death

Cheers Dears.

Maybe it’s because I only slept a total of two hours last night, but I’m right on the edge of sobbing at every commercial on TV that involves children, babies, pets, toys, and even feminine hygiene products. Hell, I even started tearing up at Macy’s Black Friday sale ad that I’ve seen no fewer than 6 times in the last hour.

Sure, it’s Thanksgiving Eve. Kitchens. Cooking. Slicing. Dicing. Fireplaces. Traveling. Bottles of wine. Cheeses. Rearranging the refrigerator. Then rearranging it again. And this year a little snow. Perfect, right?

Then why am I teetering on the tip of an emotional dip?

I think it’s because I’ve lost people again this year. Through death, dissolution, and sometimes just plain undernourished relationships. I should be getting used to it now that I’m getting older, but I’m not (getting used to it). We all lose people don’t we? If I could just get ’em back for this one day. Just this one time. I swear I’d be thankful.

I feel guilty for allowing this uncomfortable energy to invade a day when excitement, enticement, and enlightenment should all be served on the dining room table. Next to the gravy boat. I like gravy boats. And ladles. But I learn… WE learn… to mix the sad with the glad like bread chunks and sage.

After all… Thanksgiving is for the living. For the love. For folks that have things. Warm homes. Friends. Family. Laughter. Squealing kids. Nervous pets. Hugs all around. Carving new relationships. Safe relationships. Glasses clinking all around. Echoes of laughter not around.

I miss them today. Cheers.

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every single day.

And every single day, I look for a glimpse of you. In every echoed footstep, in every strangers laugh, in every child’s eye. I look for you as the warm sun runs flashing past my open car window as I listen hard for that song we danced to… and the one we cried with. I squint to see your smiling face as I turn the corner to our empty house… my cavernous home. The only sound, my shoes, as they click, too loudly, on stairs that lead to a night I thought would never end. And every single day. I still look for you. And weep. Silently.

(Not really sure where this came from other than it came)

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Where’d You Go?

I guess I’m at that age. I’ve been to way too many funerals in the past year. This is the part of life that older folks used to tell me about… but I never really heard it. I’m older now. We all get here. Then there. It’s no surprise really.

Special friends and family that have been pulled from my world.. a little too harshly for me. We get together to celebrate their lives… to share memories… to laugh… and to cry. Sometimes I feel selfish for making their lives… and their deaths… about me. About MY loss. I guess that’s the only perspective that I have though. I don’t apologize for that.

I try to see the positive that comes from these types of things. And they’re there when I look through the tears. I’ve become a little closer with the friends and family that I haven’t seen in awhile. I learn to value the expression of feeling more. I learn that we all really are so similar. The differences don’t matter. Sunrises, sunsets, beaches, a bottle of ice-cold root beer, running through a sprinkler, and playing frisbee in the middle of the street… matters. Breathing deep matters. I get this from those that left me.

So with half the year done, and another half to go, don’t let the differences matter. Don’t let the money matter. Or the career. Relationships are what are important. Work them. Put effort into them. FEEL them.

And for the record, I’m done with funerals for now.

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Last Breath.

And as the silence drew closer still

As if suffocation of spirit wasn’t enough

As if her pain racked body wasn’t enough

Her cracked lips parted

And a whisper struggled from the deepest depth of her heart

To take its place among the stale air around her face

As if pushing her gently from life’s ledge wasn’t enough

As if letting her drug filled eyes blink away saltless tears wasn’t enough

The cruel watch decided with its ever moving hands

As the whirring of machines still ticked

Compassion might win this time

And allow her to sing the finale that every person must know

By letting her parched note tumble into

The soft abyss of her final slumber

Of the beginning

Of her peace.

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view from afar.

As I stare in awe of these images and videos from Japan showing devastation from the 8.9 earthquake and subsequent tsunami, I can’t help but feel emotionally overwhelmed.

I am struck by the irony of the recorded security camera shots, as the Japanese people on the inside of buildings are physically shaking while papers and dust fly and signage, glass and books fall from walls. The looks of confusion and looking upward toward the tumbling debris remind me of those horror movies I used to watch as a kid where Godzilla was stomping around and breathing fire while wreaking havoc over Tokyo. Those movies were fun and campy. Today’s earthquake videos are not.

I am also emotionally paralyzed as I watch the footage of the tsunami being played over and over again from different locations. I am floored as I watch a manned ship being tossed about like a toy in a bathtub, and a wave of debris and mud literally swallowing an entire neighborhood within seconds as entire cities burn to the ground. Viewing these graphic images from a distance on my TV with these heightened camera angles (I assume, some from helicopters) recording this disaster, I cannot help feeling removed and isolated.

Where are the people? I don’t see people in these videos. It’s not like when I watched the burning twin towers on THAT horrendous day back in 2001 when I could SEE hapless individuals hanging out of smoke-filled windows behind the bluest of skies. I watched in fascination, then horror as they waved and pleaded for assistance that was never to come. I watched as each made his or her choice to briefly fly in the freshest of air before twisting to the concrete below. Again, I was helpless.

In Japan today, the death toll continues to rise. Statistics of the dead. So clinical. So uninvolved. So newsworthy. Too overwhelming.

We don’t see the individual fear in the eyes of those on the ground being swept out of the way in a sea of death and destruction, watching as their families and friends are being torn apart by the forces of sticks, trees, cars, homes and mud as they grasp desperately at  hands and legs with no time to say goodbye. We, in the States, are left with our nightmarishly vivid imaginations.

So as I sit HERE, watching the quivering ground of Japan from the air as if I’m God; I can only pray. I know that Japan will survive this disaster. I know that WE will survive this disaster. Humanity always manages to find ways to move forward as individuals, as communities and as a life force.

Until then, may we find ways to cope, ways to support and ways to heal the people of Japan.

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