Tag Archives: life

#exquisite taste?

I’m a social media whore. Bam! It’s out there!

As if anyone would question those statements. When I run into people at parties, at the supermarket, even on the street, I hear, “I love your Posts! They make me laugh, cry, or just get pissed and unfriend people. ”

I know how to blog, post, InstaGram, tweet, I can pin like there’s no tomorrow, and I even tried that Snapchat for about a week until I discovered those … um graphic images don’t always just “disappear.”

I enjoy checking my social media stats, seeing how many views, visitors, and followers I get. I’m not sure if it’s a need, or an unhealthy obsession, but I do it. I grew up in an environment where everything was charted, graphed, and counted by numbers. Get over it.

To me, Twitter seems to be the most difficult for me to integrate. I use it to follow politicians, the occasional sports figure, and many of my favorite soap opera stars. I like diversity.

Imagine my pleasant surprise when I discovered that I have a new follower on Twitter! I’m not so sure I’m crazy about this one though…

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Filed under Gay culture, Humor, Life...

can I get a witness?

I’ve always had this personal fear that someday, somehow, some WAY, I’m going to be found out as a fake. A fraud. I believe it comes from some inner insecurity that maybe I’m just not good enough.

I think we must all go through that at one time or another. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. I’d hate to think it was only me. It isn’t just me. Right? Emoticon wink.

I’ve been in the process of a true personal evolution (as opposed to a false one). I’m not completely sure if it came from a latent New Years resolution, or perhaps some misguided third times the charm mid life crisis, but it’s here. And I’m a little frightened.

I am fast approaching 58 (does my age make the mid life crisis a mute point?), and I’ve come to the realization that I want to do something I actually like… make that LOVE, for this autumn season of my world. The interesting part (I say interesting because ridiculous sounds too negative) is that I’m not quite sure what it is I actually WANT to do?

Again, I’m guessing (make that desperately hoping) that some of YOU struggle with this as well. If not, well, then consider this yet another coming out story.

One of the problems I have is that I still believe that I’m a spry 18 year old on the inside. It’s when I pass those God awful mirror reflections where my Dad seems to make his appearance (God rest his soul) and I refuse to admit that man is me. Did I just use the word God twice in a sentence? Would that be considered a double negative to an atheist? Do I capitalize atheist? I digress. Squirrel!

Anyway…

I’m looking to change what I do “for a living?” That being challenging enough, I have what I THINK is loads of talent that I just don’t know how to channel into a way that makes sense. A way that I would feel is authentic. To me. To you. And also, a way that would make money.

So I continue to deal with the notion that any day now, I’m going to wake up to finger pointing whisperers who are laughing at how inadequate I am. At how silly I look out here struggling to find “my sense of self.” I hear snickers of “he can’t do that, he’s past his prime,” and “how immature to think he can just drop his current financial freedom (herein known as living paycheck to paycheck) to actually “pursue a dream.” “What a phony. What a fraud.”

I’m not looking for reassurance, I assure you. At least, not from you. I’m searching for reassurance from me. I want to bust out of the closet AGAIN, to become who I’m meant to be. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we all want to be authentic? To be true to ourselves? Don’t we all hide pieces of us that we sort of hold back on for fear of ridicule, or laughter. Like tripping in the cafeteria at 9th grade lunch.

I’m overwhelmed with paths I want to take at this point in my life. But I’m going to find one. One that works. It may not be that great American novel, but it will be MY journey. Maybe that’s what I’m so afraid of. I’ve always had a direction. A goal. A destination ahead. The path of always being in control. Always certain.

It’s so scary for a control freak like me. To enjoy the process now. To continue to listen to my heart (maybe I’m not a fraud after all), to go with the flow (I hate cliches), to make a plan (let’s be somewhat realistic here), and to live in the moment.

I’m fortunate that I have a husband who continuously supports me (some say support, some say blind love. Potato. Potahto.) And I DO get such lovely feedback from the social media community (is there a name for that in the urban dictionary?) So here goes.

Wish me luck.

Not sure why I chose this photo.
Maybe I’m shocked because I need a manicure.

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Filed under Life...

the window.

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As I close in on yet another new year
There continues to be a window
Of opportunity that sits impatiently outside
And assuredly calls my name.

As in one collective breath
Panes gasp
then scream
for me to open my life
To crawl out into the light of day
The light of who I truly am
Of what I want to be

I must take that step in confident urgency
to throw open the sash
place one leg out into the cold uncertain place
and watch the rest of me follow
As I begin the year
In a place I’ve only seen

through the glass of a window.

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December 26, 2014 · 10:08 pm

discover the hidden.

apparently, this dog never needs walked.

a beautiful June afternoon on the campus of NYU.

always look in the smallest of places
always see what most never see
turn your head
squint your eyes and blink.
forever look harder, deeper, and discover
that we all have places
that are hidden, obscured, or around the next corner…
but oh so incredibly and beautifully found.

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Filed under Life..., Poetry

row row row our boat…

A row of summer boats
that want to take us away
but can’t
as they lay anchored in the safety of the harbor.

It is the gentle rolling of the vast like sea
that will give us the freedom to find the destination
as we row row row our boat…

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Filed under Life..., Poetry

This is fogged up.

This was a photo I took while Daryl and I were
on a mini getaway in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware last year.
It was off-season.
Not a whole lot to do during a rainy foggy day.

Well almost.

Always look at the world in all ways. Be in your moment. Stay aware. Be kind.

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Searching for my White Privilege.

I’m not black, but my husband is. Is that my white privilege?

Race is certainly on the forefront of social media and TV. I’ve been reading a lot about “white privilege” with regards to crime and police and life in general. I’m still trying to understand it, and have been informed that unless my face is black, I really won’t ever understand. My voice is irrelevant when it comes to race. The argument is about race Ed, but we don’t really need to hear what YOU have to say about it because you are white. How could you know about what it’s like not to have the “Privilege?”

I’m still confused.

I have a husband. I can be now legally married in my state. Is that my white privilege?

I can have my pick of universities to attend while taking out student loans until my head hurts without the benefit of thousands of minority based scholarships. Is that my white Privilege?

I can walk down the street in my hometown hand in hand with my husband to catcalls and stares (and in some cases violence). Is that my privilege? Ever try to kiss another man in a restaurant or at the mall while shopping in suburbia? Try it. Is that a Privilege too?

How about we go to any church that we want, to worship how we want? Not so easy. Is that my privilege?

I’ve been labeled a princess, told I talk like a queer, and been made fun of the way I use my hands. Is that my privilege?

I have a problem with being told that I’m born with something extra that makes it easier for me. Something that makes my struggle less important… less relevant.

I’m still trying to find where my privilege is.

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Filed under Life...