Daryl and I have lived at our current location for close to 5 years now. Our 2nd floor condo has a small tastefully decorated patio that overlooks several other areas of our condo-opolis. During the warm days of summer, I like to partake in the occasional cocktail whilst (hate pretentious writers that use that word, but I’ve always wanted to use it myself just because… I can) observing this condo-opolis community whilst tossing the obligatory three-finger wave to those neighbors that insist on communicating.
I remember, as a teen, being infatuated with the 1954 Hitchcock thriller, entitled Rear Window staring James Stewart and Grace Kelly (not to be confused with a favorite porn flick entitled “Back Door” starring Mitch Cock). I’ve always considered myself an “observer” of life’s situations and I believed to have a front row seat (albeit a WHEELchair and armed with high-power binoculars) like Mr. Stewart would be the perfect way to do just that!
That being said, I have recorded several “observations” from our 2nd story patio. We live in a rather diverse neighborhood, so please bear in mind that I am in no way perpetuating stereotypes, however I can only say what I saw… see what I saw… seesaw…
These observations are in no particular order:
Mexicans do all the landscaping.
Black men do all the trash pick up.
“The Gays” have the prettiest patios.
Lesbians have the sturdiest decks.
Italians have the smallest decks, but act like they’re huge.
Baptists play Gospel music the loudest (for some reason more so when the gays/lesbians are having friends over).
Thugs always have cars with tinted windows, the deepest bassed music blaring from the tiniest of speakers and usually three out of four shiny hubcaps.
Republicans always fly American flags.
Democrats usually have pretty flower or cute bunny flags.
Blue collar maintenance men have the filthiest mouths and the nicest asses.
Fat people don’t pick up their dog’s shit.
Men always spit.
Retired folks always have a bench or a chair just outside their front door, under a hand-made wreath.
The mailman has the best looking legs.
Little kids always stomp UP the hall stairs, run DOWN the hall stairs, and never fail to SLAM the front door.
The UPS guy is always hot.
Birds always dive at rogue cats.
Cats always ignore diving birds.
And finally, baby strollers are beginning to look like SUV’s as are the Mother’s pushing them.