Tag Archives: satire

The First Appointment of the Day.

by Ed Williams  
I need my coffee this morning. I’m up extra early today. Hell, it’s still dark out. For some reason, I scheduled myself for an 8:00 am dentist appointment. And it’s 20 minutes away. What was I thinking? 

I usually do that. On my day off, I schedule doctors visits, blood work, and prostate exams all before the day really gets started. I think it’s because I read somewhere that human beings are capable of tolerating more pain in the morning. Obviously, whomever did that study never had a good hangover.

I also like to get these things out of the way. I don’t like anticipating pain or discomfort. Once, I actually talked myself out of doctor’s appointment that was scheduled in the afternoon because I had too much time to think about it. 

Circle back to caffeine. Or lack of. I didn’t have time to relax with my second cup of joe this morning. I barely gulped down half the first. When I don’t have my second cup, I don’t feel complete. I get edgy. I end up looking for things to tick me off. I’ve been known to push the cat off the bed because she looks too comfortable. If my car doesn’t turn over at the first twist of the key, I freak out. I’ll shoot nasty looks at school age children playing in the road while waiting for their bus. All situations that I normally handle well when the level of caffeine is sufficient. If not, it just becomes ugly and I google anger management videos.

So as I’m sitting is the dentist chair watching the sun come up and waiting for the novocaine to kick in, I wonder. What if my dentist hasn’t had his second cup of coffee? If my dentist gets grumpy, will he slip? I don’t fancy a drill slipping and ripping my gum to shreds. What if he’s tired? What if he uses the wrong drill size? Dear God, what if he’s hungover and hasn’t had coffee? Dentists must drink heavily after looking into people’s mouths all the time. What if he stayed up too late playing bonus levels of Candy Crush and he’s extra tired? I hope he doesn’t take his lack of coffee issues out on me.

Obviously, I have too much time to ponder this terrible situation as the numbness takes effect and I attempt to spit graciously into the bowl as a stubborn string of saliva refuses to disconnect itself from my lower lip. And that’s a run-on sentence. And I need to pee.

I wish they’d get this procedure done quickly, so I can hit up a hazelnut at Wawa.

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men are heels.

In honor of International Women’s Day 2011*, a new shoe by designer Shoo Shoo LaRue was recently announced. The 6-inch (read: actually 4-inch) open-toed heel made its European debut at the now famous “Shoes ‘R Us” in Paris, France last week.

“Pre-orders have been flooding in,” according to Eff Mi Pumpes, noted French fashion trend expert and editor of “Owe” magazine, “however, until LaRue increases the interview process for naked muscle-bound men that are 4 inches tall, they may have huge backlogs well into the summer.”

Word on the street is that the shoes, tentatively titled “Men are Heels,” will surely be the rage in Europe for spring, followed closely by American women this summer. Sue C. Sunshine of New York City’s “Fashion Weekly,” was quoted as stating that “American women LOVE to walk all over men, and what better way than to have two under-foot all day? I just hope that all dog walkers clean up after their pooches on the sidewalks because… well you get the picture.”

Once available, the shoes will retail at $125 in the States and will be available in several man-stomping colors.

*strictly satire.
I totally support women and their plight in every way shape or form.   
ed.

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