can I get a witness?

I’ve always had this personal fear that someday, somehow, some WAY, I’m going to be found out as a fake. A fraud. I believe it comes from some inner insecurity that maybe I’m just not good enough.

I think we must all go through that at one time or another. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. I’d hate to think it was only me. It isn’t just me. Right? Emoticon wink.

I’ve been in the process of a true personal evolution (as opposed to a false one). I’m not completely sure if it came from a latent New Years resolution, or perhaps some misguided third times the charm mid life crisis, but it’s here. And I’m a little frightened.

I am fast approaching 58 (does my age make the mid life crisis a mute point?), and I’ve come to the realization that I want to do something I actually like… make that LOVE, for this autumn season of my world. The interesting part (I say interesting because ridiculous sounds too negative) is that I’m not quite sure what it is I actually WANT to do?

Again, I’m guessing (make that desperately hoping) that some of YOU struggle with this as well. If not, well, then consider this yet another coming out story.

One of the problems I have is that I still believe that I’m a spry 18 year old on the inside. It’s when I pass those God awful mirror reflections where my Dad seems to make his appearance (God rest his soul) and I refuse to admit that man is me. Did I just use the word God twice in a sentence? Would that be considered a double negative to an atheist? Do I capitalize atheist? I digress. Squirrel!

Anyway…

I’m looking to change what I do “for a living?” That being challenging enough, I have what I THINK is loads of talent that I just don’t know how to channel into a way that makes sense. A way that I would feel is authentic. To me. To you. And also, a way that would make money.

So I continue to deal with the notion that any day now, I’m going to wake up to finger pointing whisperers who are laughing at how inadequate I am. At how silly I look out here struggling to find “my sense of self.” I hear snickers of “he can’t do that, he’s past his prime,” and “how immature to think he can just drop his current financial freedom (herein known as living paycheck to paycheck) to actually “pursue a dream.” “What a phony. What a fraud.”

I’m not looking for reassurance, I assure you. At least, not from you. I’m searching for reassurance from me. I want to bust out of the closet AGAIN, to become who I’m meant to be. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we all want to be authentic? To be true to ourselves? Don’t we all hide pieces of us that we sort of hold back on for fear of ridicule, or laughter. Like tripping in the cafeteria at 9th grade lunch.

I’m overwhelmed with paths I want to take at this point in my life. But I’m going to find one. One that works. It may not be that great American novel, but it will be MY journey. Maybe that’s what I’m so afraid of. I’ve always had a direction. A goal. A destination ahead. The path of always being in control. Always certain.

It’s so scary for a control freak like me. To enjoy the process now. To continue to listen to my heart (maybe I’m not a fraud after all), to go with the flow (I hate cliches), to make a plan (let’s be somewhat realistic here), and to live in the moment.

I’m fortunate that I have a husband who continuously supports me (some say support, some say blind love. Potato. Potahto.) And I DO get such lovely feedback from the social media community (is there a name for that in the urban dictionary?) So here goes.

Wish me luck.

Not sure why I chose this photo.
Maybe I’m shocked because I need a manicure.

2015/01/img_0402.jpg

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13 Comments

Filed under Life...

13 responses to “can I get a witness?

  1. I feel like an imposter on a daily basis . . . a complete and utter fraud in my own life. That said, I have been getting better at living, once I made “Life on my own terms” my mantra. Do I know what that means? Not quite yet. Does it make me feel less of a fraud? Sometimes, but not always (like today when I feel like I will never sell another book). I guess the best thing I can say is that you are not alone. Sending you positive vibes!

  2. Rick Clark

    Maybe it’s the honing in on the Dreaded 60.Maybe it’s the upcoming 40 th reunion, but 58 is the “new” mid-life crisis. I am in the same boat with you though. I have been in the construction business for 40 years now.( oh my) and it is taking it’s toll on my body.I too ponder the future. Besides the daily aches and pain it’s more boredom with doing the same thing for sooooooo long! Maybe we take some classes with the new cameras we each just got and become photo journalists? With your talent for written word and my love of the great outdoors ……..move over National Geograghic! 🙂

    • We could be the new Louis and Clark explorers Rick! I’d have to change my name, but we’re halfway there!
      Joking aside, we’re at that age that our parents and grandparents were when we thought we had tons of time to figure things out. We did/do what we feel/felt we needed to do to get where we are. Sounds so much better in my head.
      Thanks for entertaining my love of words.

  3. chrissy

    Well Ed I am happy (or sorry) to say I think everyone goes through this. It is a scary journey for sure. I am looking forward to what ever you decide to do. You are a most talented writer and I enjoy your out look on life. Wishing you the best of luck in this part of your journey.

  4. Frank DiEgidio

    Ed..at age 67 I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I think we all get stuck in that cycle of “making a living” but not making a life. I decided to “retire” when in fact I just didn’t want to continue making a living. The impetus for retiring was the sobering thought that the average life expectancy is about 83 years. Based on that premise I have about 16 years left. When that sunk in it was like a bomb exploded in my head. I did not want to spend the rest of my life adhering to a schedule that was pre-determined for me and bowing to corporate mandates of how I should dress and act. Right now the thought of asking permission for a day off or leaving a little early to spend time with my family makes me want to puke. I’m still working on that what I want to be thing and I may never figure that out but I’m peaceful with the fact that if I do figure it out I can at least pursue it. I’m running a little Ebay business and I enjoy it far more than I did the last 50 years of corporate confinement. I sincerely hope if you decide to embark on your mission to have a more fulfilling life that you achieve great success. You are a very talented writer and if its something you enjoy…just do it. To leave you with food for thought….you have about 25 years left to pursue whatever it is that will make you content.

    • Ya know Frank, when you stopped in at D2 to say hey, you looked the best you’ve looked since I’ve known you. I have heard the same call of life as you. There is just so much time we have to enjoy life. We MUST do it now. I am not too sure where this path will take me, but I so appreciate you taking the time to read my musings. I wish you all the best with your path of freedom and your journey of depth. Cheers buddy!

  5. Ed I think you would be a success in what ever you deceide. But don’t waste time because now it does fly by. Love

  6. Hey Ed, I was wondering if you might be interested in writing a guest post for me? I thought it might fit in well with your journey and I would love to have you. Here’s a link explaining my idea http://www.lisaakramer.com/2015/01/14/celebrating-our-unique-powers-an-invitation/

  7. I’m 43 and have felt this way for a few decades! After 9/11 I finally went to college in Ohio at age 30. Couldn’t afford to keep it up, despite a 3.9 average, but I wanted to follow my childhood dream of working with big cats. Now I live in Ireland and work in a warehouse. I already feel it is too late for my dreams. But – I think yours is to be a writer(?). Do it. You already are. Your blog inspired ME to blog. You have stories, and so much life lived beyond what many have experienced. Do it! But keep blogging because I missed you during the hiatus 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I can’t seem to NOT write (how’s that for a grammar faux pa?). Whether or not I decide to pursue it in a way that serves my soul remains to be seen. I would love to combine my love of photography with my words. I have been experimenting in that regard at http://www.edwinleroy.wordpress.com. A bit more serious for now. Again, I am thrilled that you read. Keep your dreams alive!

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